Vertigo
Almost got knocked down by a car today. Honked and braked just in time. The Jaywalking Queen has gone into decline. Only just yesterday I'd calmly walked up to the middle of the road as a bus whizzed past me, missing by 3-4 inches, sumyi in tow. As I ambled across to the other side of the road I couldn't decide what I ought to feel. I've always wondered what it'd be like to be hit by an object larger than yourself at full force. What would it be like to approach the ground at terminal velocity from the tenth story? Would stretching out your limbs to meet what was meeting you help to break the fall? Not that I care if I should live or die anymore. I have not had time to care. This is a little like Simone's birthday wish to puff on a cigarette, just to know what on earth it is that keeps people on to that stinking habit.
Was on the phone with Jarett--Uraiwan came to Singapore! And left!
Jonathan gave me a planting box today, containing mint seeds that we'd planted for our hall garden. It felt good to be given another chance at life. Someone had trusted me with his beloved garden plants. Cactuses have died in my care. Someone still believed I had something beautiful to give, that these fingers should be employed in the service of giving life, even when I didn’t. For that these little plants-to-be shall get all the tender loving care they need, and no plantbox will ever experience fiercer protection from the subtle invasion of mould spores, nor the thirst of drought. One more chance, to do for them what I could not do for myself. They will return to the garden plot in a week, having germinated, ready to know the sun and taste life as He made it to be.
Father I need You. Again I need to know what it means to be forgiven, to have just another chance, that I might be given a clean new sheet to write the story of my life on. Father even after having known You, I’ve let you down when I should have known better. Would You still want me? Would You reject me?
Everyone around me now acts as though these were my own problems, that I ought to solve them alone. No one hears… But why do the crusaders whom I've not spoken with for 2 months seem to know the predicament I'm in? Why them? Why does no one in the 12th understand?
Father I’m sorry. I didn’t really mean for life to be so screwed up. I didn’t mean to become discouraged. I really didn’t know how else I should live. Please forgive me.
Please?
Father will you be scolding?
Will you be harsh?
I can’t chase away the voices I hear, the things I see in the dark of the night. Father, I’m so tired. Is there no member of your family who will have a kind word to offer, a word of encouragement, the occasional prayer perhaps? Will You reject this errant frisky little sheep whose eyes are dull and wool-covered, whose heart and mind have been calloused by sheer stubbornness? Would you take me home...?
Just for a while?
It’s not supposed to hurt this way
I need You, I need You
More and more each day
It’s not supposed to feel this way
I need You, I need You, I need You
Tell me, are You and me still together?
Think we can last forever..?
Tell me
Why
| e.s.t.h.e.r in the arms of Jesus @
3/23/2005 04:51:00 pm |
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