Grandma

My dear grandma, it was good to see you today. I smiled to meet you because I love you to bits.

I held your hand and sat with you till you slept today. Your words... I cannot believe they hold no meaning. I know how lonely you must be. You’re not senile as people like to think. I do not think it is so. No, you're my feisty elder from whom I've learnt in my early years to bear life with some gusto.

I wish I knew what you understood of what I pray over you grandma. I miss you, so much. I'd give anything to talk to you and have you answer back again.

Perhaps it is when we don't understand the words that we listen much better than we usually do. I wish you knew, despite my inability to speak your language, I heard your frustration, I heard your fear, felt your physical pain as I prayed over you. I saw what your eyes saw. Oh grandma, turn from terror...look and trust in Jesus, fix your eyes on Him! He alone heals inside out. I battled a little with your pain today, but there was little I could do, the temporary alleviation and rest that you find around me comforts you little, because it were almost as though you were a magnet to these things. When a house is swept clean and left uninhabited, it could end off worse. Grandma, look at Jesus, have no fear...He is gentler and even more loving than I am, and breathes peace into your life... Oh grandma, I wish you would trust Him... Don’t hang on to what has served you so poorly all your life...you ought to have so much better. Grandma, my heart breaks to know you are thus tormented by the wearing years. Grandma, He can heal, if you will trust His heart. Please try, I will not stop praying. I don't know how I'll ever know when you’ve put your faith in Him, how I can help you understand the love that's held for you, but I can trust He will make a way.

Lord, are the things I feel and see, as I stretch out my hands to pray for people over the past weeks, for real? It is Your promise at work, I know things I cannot otherwise know. Help me to hone this boldly and humbly, and go on to exercise faith in Your love.

Today was a long day again. Waking at 6, one was at work and on my feet from 8am-8-45pm. I didn't sit down till I was at Kid's place for thai class, and all I knew when it was over half an hour later, was that I didn't feel like getting up again for a good hundred years. I was tired! =) Having been put in charge of quite a few things made today an absolute adrenalin rush. I didn't realise I'd missed lunch, till about 6pm. Dinner was at 9.15pm. I enjoyed the rush, but I was still bent on living today for Him... so I thank God for the woman in charge who was so stressed this morning, but cheered and took to work with more enthusiasm later, and also for my friend, who was in a terrible temper because she felt it entirely unfair that such a mess had been thrust into our hands to sort out at such late notice. I cannot explain the joy in my heart, except that I knew He was near--nothing could steal that from me. I squeezed her by the shoulders, said it's ok, let's get organized, and to keep eyes on Him. I went to work with my heart feeling as easy and happy as in the company of someone dear, and this calm lay beneath the rush of adrenalin that numbed all else. In between having 10 minutes to learn an entirely new job, simultaneously spending the morning organizing the huge mess they'd forgotten about, while handling all foreign students between my friend and I, tracking and arranging scholarship forms, bills, student pass endorsements, claims forms, calling for documents NUS missed printing, I prayed for her, when she broke the photocopier, encouraged her with tea and refreshments, and took on her work when she was exhausted. We finally finished what we needed for both today, and smoothed out tomorrow's proceedings at 8pm. I thank God for how much she cheered as the day wore on. We wandered into talking about crusade as we left, so we spoke on attending Discipleship again. She wants to go for DG!! She looks forward to it! Yay! =)

(Half the faculty tomorrow will be foreign students and PRs--there's only my friend and I to serve them, while the other counters have about 7 people for Singaporeans.. and I have Wednesday's stuff to take care of before it starts... the way my sentences are running about work, I know there is still way too much on my mind.)

I want to win more people for Him at work.

Thai class today was a blur. (I was late and missed three quarters of the lesson.) The words skidded past me, sloshed around my brain and danced. I understood them the way a Red Indian might understand the patterns of smoke from a fire. What I knew I knew. What I didn't, I simply didn't have the presence of mind to grasp. Elusive and wispy. My attentions were still focused on organizing tomorrow’s work. I am rusty =). Couldn’t have got through today without Him. I am sure.

But looking this evening into the eyes of my grandma, they had dulled although she was as awake as ever at 11pm. She was rather talkative tonight, but her tone rang as one knocking heavily on a large, strong door. Believe me, you must believe me! Hear me. See for yourself! It is there. She is there. It said. She kept asking my aunt if she had seen my mom. My aunt says she's just talking nonsense, because she's old. But perhaps she didn’t completely believe it herself, because she hesitated in explaining what my grandma was saying at first.

I felt, and in my mind's eye I saw. I can tell you where it stood, pretending to be my mom.

Her medication made her sleepy, but that anxiety and the physical pain that came upon her stomach and leg kept her eager to have company. She talked on and on, drifting in and out of sleep, hanging on to company, which was rare. She knows, perhaps, by custom, that I would not leave till she was asleep... I never did. I have no heart to say bye and leave her feeling again so alone and afraid. If I had the strength I should have liked to pray at her bedside all night long, for her, with her, if He would help her understand. I am not motivated by an urgency, nor a burden this time, but the fact that my grandma must know she’s loved, and that there is One who loves her so much more than I. I want her to feel safe and have peace. Anything to give her temporary respite.

And so I pray on silently. I am guessing my aunt inwardly frowns upon invitations to share Christ openly with her, although it has been done countless times in hainanese before by well-meaning church members of mine. I am guessing my aunt might not be happy to hear me pray aloud. She's a Shintoist, and invites priests to come and perform prayers and rites over my grandma weekly. But I rebuked spirits today when she was amiss from the room, and it did a little good. But so much more needs to be done. Today my aunt and I had a good conversation. Not as far-reaching as the last long one we had... for I did not get to testify for Christ this time. But she told me how she was, and I know that talking to her meant something, especially when it came to reflecting on her loneliness. It is too soon to dish answers or insist blatantly that Christ is the only way. She admires Christians, but she believes Shintoism can do the same for her as Christ did for me in my life. . I have 2 more nights, and little time.

But I pray for opportunity and time, and the right gentle, leading questions to ask. I ask that she knows love as we speak on.