This World is Not My Home
Subtly, gradually, but also increasingly I find myself out of the spiritual action in ministry. Perhaps it is also coincidental that my operational role seems to be growing. To this my heart turns a little sad, for I have laboured just as long and hard as any other worker, doing as I am bid. It is harvest time, the fields are ripe, but they need tender loving care right up to the finish. Suddenly there are many things I can do and can't do... says someone I looked up to. I have to seek work elsewhere. Someone today asked if I felt left out... oh, more than you know. =) Someone else who picked up the conversation from there remarked about being a gutsy girl... Is that it? "Me" and "them", not "us"? In this world brothers aren't used to the presence of sisters... some don't know how to relate and react, much less learn to be loved, or show love for one. Now in my Father's house, it is not like this. In other worlds belonging to Him I have known, fellowship has always been sweet and affirming, no one ever misunderstands. The apparent unease, and steeled divide--Am coming to feel like a stranger in every sense. Am I to be a bangladeshi too Lord, simply on account of this? It feels a little like Moses looking into the promised land knowing he will not inherit it. (of course, he's got heaven to look forward to) I believe although saddened, he had peace. Am still joyful, the walk in faith has been worth it!
Will the one(s) led to fill my gap be sensitive enough to the needs of those they tend to? I should not worry, I am sure He will lead. As long as they listen to Him, I am content.
This is somewhat different from leaving Mei and Li Ling...
Mei and Li Ling will always be treasures in my heart because of their seeking and because of their willingness to learn to walk by faith. I have learnt so much from you both, my dear sisters. To watch you deepen that walk is my encouragement. Growing with you, my sisters, has always been a matter of careful, patient nurture, an exercise in simple faith, with an especial insistence on hearing Him. I'd meet Him first on my own, then with you both. We had a vision for what we wanted DG to be, and didn't we enjoy getting there! =)
Discipleship was always a deep joy for love was communicated and responded to with so much more ease.
My sisters, praying for you was never a lonely business for it always later translated into praying with you. With guys... it depends.
Your condition has never required months-long prayer, this deep and groaning. Urgent and desperate maybe, but not agonizing. He has required more this time--Perhaps He is sharpening me.
So, boys.... are a such different story. Like the one who spoke to me said, the things I can and can't do are so different. To some extent, ministry, especially prayer, is lonely because I know some would much rather hear one more like themselves, the same gender, the same school background, someone home-grown, a non-outsider. Some just make things unnecessarily complicated. And always, always, I am brought to an awareness of the gender divide.
It takes some amount of faith to be bold, conviction in Him to be certain, humility to stay meek, and perseverance to hold to the course till they are brought round to see what He's saying.
Lately though, I seem to have lost that meekness. My irritation is suspect. Perhaps it is good we all have some reprieve.
Ah, alone.
with my Saviour... is that not to have everything? =)
| e.s.t.h.e.r in the arms of Jesus @
7/17/2005 05:20:00 am |
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