Break-ing
hi all.
Am tired. I can't decide whether I should take a walk in the rain and get sick enough to be delirious or whether I should just go on a 24 hour mind-numbing work marathon. Anything that takes me to the extremes of humanity is better than carrying this tightly knotted ball of pain and feeling so numb. My heart is so tired from lifting its burdens that it just wants to rest. I don't want to think. I ask God what more He wants from me. Oh just take it, whatever You want. I have no more strength left to give it. I feel like a giant walking eraser made of the hardest indian rubber. The paths I've just trodded are a blur, I look back and I can't quite make sense of them. If you throw something hard at me, it will bounce back at you apparently having had little effect, and if you throw something sharp it will probably lodge deeply. I am in such deep need of Him, and yet I find myself afraid that if i were to meet Him there'd just be more for me to do, to ache over, to agonise over. I am afraid of further vulnerability, and it is in His presence where I am always most vulnerable. All that is immediate to all my faculties of awareness is that sense of loss. I was so irritated with myself this afternoon, for all this has been so inward looking, so selfish, I tell myself, and yet I cannot help it. Will take a break from blogging till I next have something useful or edifying to say. My friends, carry me in prayer to Him, when I have not the strength to proceed. Drop me a note from time to time, for in those moments one will be encouraged amid the lonliness.
Will go meet Jesus.
| e.s.t.h.e.r in the arms of Jesus @
8/04/2005 07:54:00 pm |
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