I spent the time between ROD's close and BS reading 1st Corinthians yesterday. A few things spoke to me:
1. On self righteousness: "My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. Threfore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and expose the motives of men's hearts." (4:4)
"Do not go beyond what is written", then you will not take pride on one man over against another. (4:6)
This is why I should never consider myself better than any other. For who knows what lies in this deceiving heart? How shall I know what lies in there is better than what causes the symptomatic actions of another? Only Christ may judge. For all things I have and who I am is by grace. I have no right to boast of my part in the shaping of my soul, nor the gifts I have, nor the goodness He has brought about in my life. And only in an attitude of humility can Christ continue to show me the deceit of the heart, mould me, and use me.
2. "For the kingdom of God is not a matter of talk but of power. What do you prefer? Shall I come to you with a whip, or in love and with a gentle spirit?" (4:20-21)
I think upon what God has revealed for me to speak to others, I think upon the way I have done it recently. I learned yesterday it is possible to move in the gifts without love, and as Paul says, to do so means to be reduced to a clanging gong that is of no worth to Him. Lovelessness breeds an inability to be patient or gentle, and this is the consequence of a heart that does not trust God. My best attempt to curb its effects is to employ silence. I clam up to refrain from doing something wrong. And at the root of it all, is pride--"Arrogance", as Paul says. Not believing He's in control, getting anxious and scrambling to get things more in control than He already has them. Silly heart, what makes you think you'll do better than God?
Jesus, You're in control. I must again come to know You. To look through your eyes again, move with Your heart, and do all things in Your time. Bring me to You, when I don't know how to come. I feel far from Your love, but I love You still.
Last thursday at kien ann's place one almost wept to open the white pages of my bible and let my fingers rest on the text again. This book reminded me of everything pure, everything good. Even before my eyes took in the text, His love, for a month now so foreign to me, crept in upon the soul. He spoke to it in gentle overtones and undertones, wrapping its broken frame in a large soft something-warm, and made it want to withdraw painfully with a sense of utter unworthiness. In that moment one contended with uncertainty as to whether the darkness or Christ had claim of one's life.
Why I even wondered, I don't know. The heart's longing is clear, all it ever wanted was Jesus to come in. That He should enter into the deepest reaches of the soul and make His home there, so that one had more and more of Him each day in one's life. But that darkness and pain is all too familiar. It says I have belonged to it since time began, and it mocks the visions of hope that i shall ever leave its clutching, posessive arms. Its strength in every muscled blow, the foulness of its hellish hot breath on skin, the acute sharpness of a boot-clad kick, the very sting that perforates innocence, and leaves in its wake only the awareness of the jagged cutting edges of you in a thousand pieces. You look into its eyes and you can't quite decide if its rage and hate or love looking back at you--how can it be so unrelenting unless one was wanted? How could it not be hate, for I pitied each new perpetrator, even as I broke. "If only you knew Christ," I'd think.
So Jesus, You must win this battle. Your love never lets me go... and that truth must be deeper and older than since hell's love for me began. Your truth is greater and cost much dearer. For before the world began, before Lucifer was made, You had in Your great heart already given Your life for me. The war had already been won. This must wake life in the heart that has turned to stone. Only You know how.
Someone told me yesterday love is tested in absence.
And Jesus helped me understand His absence from this part of my life for 20 years tests my love for Him.
He popped in and asked: "Do you love Me?"
The soul knew He what meant.
"Will you wait on for Me?"
"Will you doubt Me?"
"Will you honour Me?"
"Will you have faith in Me?"
And the soul knew its answer. It is on the verge of collapse. But must press on with tenacity so it might finally have Him.
My Jesus...I love You.
Let this love cost whatever You please.
Give me the strength to see You at the end.
Someone left me with a quote:
love without feeling is a drudgery
but love without the will is a mockery
Jesus feels so far away, and yet He is near. He is teaching me to love Him with my will again. I am approaching Him with each step I take. It can only be so.
| e.s.t.h.e.r in the arms of Jesus @
8/14/2005 10:49:00 am |
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