I need accountability.
I have been eating lunch without memorising scripture.
I have been breaking many promises I made to God.
I'd like to have someone who'll watch over me, who will make me see what I sometimes choose not to see.
Because I'm burning out.
Daddy, please?
And yet I would not be Israel who asks for a king in Your place.
I just want to want You... the way it was before.
Father, I want to run somewhere where no one knows me, where no one can find me, to judge me or heap upon me expectations that i feel compelled to live by. Father I abhor the thought of spending my life doing honours papers, please, show me how this is for You. You know what, today in class they were talking about my paper, the one i did last sem that topped the class, they look upon me like a marvel, say they can't wait to read the next paper. I wanted to puke right there and then. Quietly told them I might not live up to the name, and slipped out. I've been asked to get the paper published. They think its a significant challenge to current findings. But Father, I sicken at the thought. Its just another paper, big deal. As if if we didn't know about conceptual precursors, babies wouldn't learn language all the same. Father, I worked hard to glorify You. Did men see it? You see Dad, when I say it's Your grace they want to think I'm just being modest. They don't want to be challenged out of their comfort zones, they don't want to know the possibility of there really being a God behind me. When I insist I mean it, they just go "ah," wave me off and their gaze always comes back to me. Me, me, me! I'm sick of me. Its always me the world looks at, doesn't matter how You're supposed to shine "by proxy". I thank you for Sumyi, I thank you for all my dear friends from school, I thank You for the work You've done in their lives, of which I have been an active part whenever so led. I love them so much. But Lord, my time to share with the others is running out. Do people really see You in me Lord? I hate my excellence for that very reason, that I should appear to outshine the very Life that allowed me to shine so in the first place. I would that I were much less than all those things, so that if You did something marvellous in me the world would see it and call it a miracle and know You exist because I point to you, and I had no other means. I would cast all that aside Lord, I want them to know You. How shall I do this as a testimony to You? How can I be a faithful steward? Oh Father, open their eyes...open their eyes! Please. Let them see.
And still this doesn't explain the restlessness in me. Dad I've not heard you pertaining to me stuff in a long time. Lord I need to know You're looking at me. So that when the world does I don't crumble under their gaze.
You see, Dad, I want to know where You're taking me. I want to go there. Somehow You are silent now, is Your calling and purpose for me still here? Is Your silence a prompting to move on?
Once, I can't remember
I was, long ago, someone strange
I was innocent and wise
And full of pain
Now that I'm a woman
Everything is strange
Once, when I was searching
Somewhere out of reach
Far away, in a place I could not find
Or heart obey
Now that I'm a woman
Everything is changed
| e.s.t.h.e.r in the arms of Jesus @
10/19/2005 12:16:00 pm |
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