QT

I thank You Father for that reminder. For I have not rested completely enough in Your silence.

Father three years ago, You promised to walk with me through my deserts like You did Moses. Three years on, here I am, thirsty in my own desert. Lord You are always here, omnipresent, so why the difference? Why did Moses constantly know you were near? Why is it so hard for me to be mindful of You? There must be something different.

Moses lived in Your presence.
I live in your omnipresence, and content myself with that.

That's why.


Father my soul longs after You, I long to be in Your presence.

I understand now why the thirst, why the restless seeking. There is too much I have not laid to rest in You. Where I'm going, what I'm doing, where I should be, authority i should fall under, all the things I think i need to know to walk on properly for You. But Lord, when You say my ultimate divine purpose is to know you, you mean just that. The intellectual is restless with questioning: what is the manifestation of this divine purpose? And he will ask on and on and on, for there will be no answer without complete trust in what You say. The intellectual thinks you're just being tricky with such an answer, is dissatisfied with its apparent vagueness, and asks for more to be revealed. "What kind of answer is that?" He asks, "It is neither managable nor quantifiable in definition". He is asking for something to do, someone to be. But that's the point about You. You repeatedly bring us to the edge of faith, to test our dependence on You. The intellectual has not understood, that Your will is not a task to be done, but a life transformed into Your likeness. He will not have an answer, for that manifestation is You, fully alive in me, and me in You, and this is accessible only through faith in You alone, that believes You will lead me into this change as I come to know Your heart. Oh Lord, I want to grow into Your likeness--give me the humility to learn.

I must first believe again, that the answer is in knowing you, and that answer cannot be made any more specific because there is no word for the manifestation of You alive in me. I simply believe You know how to help me know You. I rest in You, and already my soul has its reward in Your peace. Your peace and compassion will tell me Your way, Your heartbeat, some part of Your thought. That's all I need to know, for I have You, and that is more than my heart can contain.

And this is the only life I can live with conviction.