The Job

Oh how I struggle so!

Father tomorrow is my job interview. This morning you called me into prayer about something urgent. And Yes Lord, I have no real peace over going for the interviews. I don't know why. I can't figure out why its wrong. Will I compromise my faith in You Father once I enter the job? Was it really You that said not to go for tomorrow’s interview, that I'd get the job? Why not Lord?

And yet how I am tempted! Everything this job offers is prestige, benefits, holiday discounts, good pay, flexible leave, good working hours. With this I can pay for a house, I can save for missions, I can do so many things. The word all this means to me: Security. At a point in my life where I am again reaching the interstices of the crossroads, I am anxious about making the "right" choice. You taught me in prayer that my heart can only hold on to one thing for its security at a time. And Lord, I know that my heart could never hold all of You. When it held you, it overflowed with peace and joy. So Lord, because I'm a wretched bundle of nerves now is it a counterfeit version of You that I’m hanging onto, trying to kid myself that You would like to make something out of me taking this path? Or Lord, is it that I simply haven't tried walking this road in faith? Can I really do this for You Lord? Will the job not force me to compromise with You? No, I know deep inside there IS another king, struggling to take me over. It's my "job persona", my human nature, the analytical workaholic who becomes blind to feeling when work presents itself, the person I know I will fit in, and this isn’t the person Jesus wants to make me in the end. I have two key things to contend with. One: The temptation to make an all too easy switch from security in Jesus Christ alone, to what I can see, feel and have ($, a home, a job). You see most other jobs don't tempt me like that, because my pride is less at stake. It would be so much easier to be the humble social worker which my mom would think would be a waste of my "talent", and be despised by the world for not "maximizing" these "talents". It would be easier to continue stretching my faith not owning a house, simply depending on His grace to be able to pay for rental. Left alone by the world, away from bank loans and expectations of tangible productivity, God could "maximize" me any way He wants, and I know He wants to teach me so much more about obedience, stretching my faith in Him, having more love, being kinder, more tender, and more persevering in taking after His nature, just so that I can always be with Him. But Lord when my pride is at stake, when there will be a desire to please my bosses in a compromising situation, Father, I need you to be the first Boss I go to. I need to have my motives checked and keep walking with You. Two. I fear having to compromise with God. Lord I don't want to compromise with You. And yet I sincerely believe the way You do things could benefit our society. I want my viewpoints to be fresh not because they are intellectually more brilliant than other proposals, but because I am advocating a path few dare to tread. How can I play diplomatic games Father? Teach me to speak the truth in love. Teach me to pour Your heart into Singapore.

Lord, if this is You saying "don't go", please make it very clear. I am willing to leave it. I want You as my only security. I will do whatever it takes to stay in Your presence. I want to try. Even now you are using this to stretch my faith. Lord I pray You help me to do what pleases You. Dad, I want to love You more.