It has been another night of strange events.
I dreamt last night of having to fly to London to care for a girl who was delinquent in the extreme and rebellious. I had to meet a group of counsellors who decided if I should be her caregiver before they would let her out of detainment. Jarett and I went, but I remember this being a spirit led decision and how I had His peace despite her initial glacial hostility. She tried our patience to the point where Ziming, on meeting her, wouldn't let us put up at his place and we relied on God's grace to find us somewhere free, because the trip had cost us almost everything we had. She wanted to go to Cambridge and Oxford before we returned to Singapore, and I don't know how we managed to but I had peace about going, and we went. As the days passed, she got used to the lack of stores to shoplift from, the absence of pubs she replaced with a newfound love for ice-cream. Away from the buzz of city life, the the relative greeness of the town outskirts got to her and she came to relax a little more. I remember teaching her that God wanted her to know His love first, that He thought it more important than imposing on her a set of rules. She was suprised to learn this, but seemed open and glad to know more. Then I woke up for the 5th time, (why on earth do I wake so many times sleeping at home?) prepared to go to church. The dream had a nightmarish flavour, through which God's grace and love prevailed.
On waking up, I wanted to do my QT. It wasn't so much that I came full of expectancy and eagerness (I am still learning God--thanks for bearing with me). But I wanted to honour Him. I'd told Him I wanted to seek Him first every morning when I woke, and I'd committed to fasting at least 6 hours a day and praying, and since we should not utter vows before God that we have no intention of keeping, I made sure I meant it. It wasn't much, but I wanted to give Him my best.
Today I was led to reflect and pray upon the whole conflict that rose out of obeying God's promptings to help Daryl. It's almost as though God's taking me from the beginning where all the mess started, to talk to me about it all. It isn't something I've been expecting, since in the previous week God dealt with mainly me, and I thought maybe it was just me I needed Him to search and help me understand, not so much the spiritual mechanics of past events. I've already explained in the previous update about the relation between prompting, experience, the word, and conviction. Today God spoke through His word and affirmed that it really had been Him prompting me to help Daryl.
I had been led by His Spirit to help. He filled me with a mix of compassion and distress on account of my brother who badly needed help, and I also remember being deeply saddened and even angered to some extent, with those who insisted on same-sex ministry, were in a position to help and did nothing besides utter cursory one-off prayers, and complain that it demanded a lot of patience to prevail through his rebelliousness. His spirit in me was grieved by this for I tried to get the help suggested by my critics but none would respond. And my heart broke for my brother. God reminded me that I had been given every spiritual blessing, and that He gave only so that I could give it away and bless others. Maybe the other brothers around me didn't know what to do--I don't want to judge, but here I was, and I could only give my best from Jesus. And then when no one would help, God said He was giving it to me to look after Daryl, to "share his burdens", "for now". God reminded me of the samaritan, who was an outsider (just as much as I was to the company), but who gave first aid, and took upon himself the financial burden that would have been the injured's own otherwise. This gave me strength to stand up to my critics and insist again that I was led by conviction to do so. However I'd always felt slightly guilty for being angry with them. It wasn't a vindictive anger, but it implied I had judged even when I refused to commit any condemning thought with my mind, and I wanted to keep a pure heart before Him, for I knew I couldn't hear Him clearly and well otherwise. It is this thought that has always cast some small shadow of doubt upon my convictions, but otherwise I was prompted, and like I explained in the previous update, I could only obey before I lost my sensitivities to Him due to disobeience.
QT today was Mark 2:23 - 3:6. I have italicised the things that jumped out at me from the passage.
Lord of the Sabbath
23 One Sabbath Jesus was going through the cornfields, and as his disciples walked along, they began to pick some ears of corn.
24 The Pharisees said to him, Look, why are they doing what is unlawful on the Sabbath?
25 He answered, Have you never read what David did when he and his companions were hungry and in need?
26 In the days of Abiathar the high priest, he entered the house of God and ate the consecrated bread, which is lawful only for priests to eat. And he also gave some to his companions.
27 Then he said to them, The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.
28 So the Son of Man is Lord even of the Sabbath.
Mark 3
1 Another time he went into the synagogue, and a man with a shrivelled hand was there.
2 Some of them were looking for a reason to accuse Jesus, so they watched him closely to see if he would heal him on the Sabbath.
3 Jesus said to the man with the shrivelled hand, Stand up in front of everyone.
4 Then Jesus asked them, Which is lawful on the Sabbath: to do good or to do evil, to save life or to kill? But they remained silent.
5 He looked round at them in anger and, deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts, said to the man, Stretch out your hand. He stretched it out, and his hand was completely restored.
6 Then the Pharisees went out and began to plot with the Herodians how they might kill Jesus.
And here's what spoke to my heart through His word--My QT material said: "Knowing the law, keeping the law and enforcing the law made the Pharisees important. That's why they jealously guarded it (2:24; 3:6). But instead of allowing the law to do its job of keeping people safe, allowing people to live well together, and making space for a right relationship with God, they distorted the law so that it unnecessarily constrained people and weighed them down.
Do you get stuck in rules and regulations: do the rules you live by free you or tie you in knots? Read 3:4 for what Jesus thinks about this. If you tend to like well-defined boundaries, do they work for good? Are they life-giving? Doing what is right is sometimes obvious. But sometimes situations are more complex, and the righteous, gracious course of action depends on the context. If you are in a position of influence, as a parent, teacher or friend, don't squash the life out of people by your need to be "right". Don't be like the Pharisees. Jesus reacts extremely strongly to their 'stubborn hearts'; he is angry and deeply distressed (3:5). Instead, invite Jesus to be your Lord. He brings freedom and restoration."
And as I went into prayer, and asked again "Lord, was it really You back then?". God led me to examine the story of the man with the shrivelled hand. Here was a man with an affliction, suffering for some time. Here was Jesus whom everyone knew had the power to heal. There were the religious teachers and critics, who could simply have said yes to the man's deliverance--it cost them nothing, and would have released the man! But they had not even the compassion to do so, looking only to condemn Jesus, hence Jesus's grief and anger. In Jesus's distress to such reactions, I learnt that my own distress (concerning others' reactions to Daryl's plight) was then He identified with Himself. In that realisation I stopped condemning myself and gave into His hands the guilt over my having been upset with these critics.
Yes, I know that before you take a fence down, you should always ask why it was put up in the first place. But sometimes, especially when there is no hard and fast biblical reason for the fence's existence, then we have to listen to His Spirit.
So Daryl, if you are reading this, then you know I have no regrets. I have not done anything inappropriate, and I have given you the best I can from Him except hold you accountable for certain kinds of sin.
But you must also remember the "for now" clause that God gave me in last year, which I also did tell you about. I remember telling you I didn't know how long "for now" lasted, but when the time came both you and I would know. I think you would agree with me now, that the best channels for your accountability and ministry have been restored (your church), and that you have come to learn to listen to Him, the time for you to learn what it means to let Him alone lead you and teach you has come. =) I will always be here to pray, to listen again, and encourage, same as I have always ever done, but I think you've come to understand personally and experientially that only hearing from Him will ever give you joy, peace, and hope. Look to Him then, and let's run the good race and fight the good fight. =)
Once again God has affirmed me, through the coherence between dream and message, through a revelation of His heart. Father I praise You! =) Let me live again today for You.
| e.s.t.h.e.r in the arms of Jesus @
1/15/2006 12:54:00 pm |
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