Today at deliverance prayer meeting 2 things happened.
1) The leader brother Yan said the Spirit told him someone in the group was not able to sleep, did not sleep well at night due to excessive worry, and was having nightmares. Now this person wasn't me, because for the past few nights I've been sleeping rather well, and even when I had nightmares I certainly never worried about them to the point of not being able to sleep. (I have only been unable to sleep once or twice since I God spoke into my life close to 4 years ago) But I was strangely moved. It were as though the very thing that I'd been waiting to hear for so long had come true--that God knew, and He was telling someone, a stranger I'd never breathed a word about myself to, to pray--and my heart almost burst with release (if not for a reality check). I almost tasted freedom! In prayer then I saw a pair of hands, and I knew they were Jesus's hands (I don't know how I knew, but the air around me was full of peace, reverence and awe). They were held out as though I was expected to put my own hands into them. It was so real. To be this close to my Lord, that He wanted to come this close to me, through my utter sense of unworthiness, brought tears to my eyes. The floodgates of my heart would have opened, but my brain came in with a reality check. This message was not for me, God wasn't telling anyone to pray. But I will never forget the way that moment felt, which is both the greatest comfort and agony. Agony because who you really are becomes so much clearer in His presence. Upon seeing it, you know your utter undeservingness, and yet here is life and beauty before you that you want with all your heart. Agony also because one has glimpsed freedom, almost breathed freely, one's spirit recognizes home and the closer it gets the more powerful the magnetising effect of freedom in Christ upon the soul. It is at this point that I think of Scrat and his acorn in the last scene of the cartoon Ice Age, upon the beach where he's stuck in a melting ice cube, and reaching for his acorn washing up and down the shore. The acorn he loved innocently, passionately and protectively because he trusted in it as his sole lifeline, coming within a hair's breadth before being washed away. Comfort because His grace has covered all that way in advance, because He knows your needs, in spite of yourself.
2) As we prayed on about receiving and annointing, I asked God to be filled with His spirit. And this was not the first time I'd asked, but this time I was more than hungry--I was desperate. Dry, aching, not comprehending so much that has happened in these past months. I asked because I needed to see through His eyes, understand, if He would let me, what was going on. I wanted His heartbeat. From the moment I'd walked into the room my spirit stirred with a song that moved even my lips, and I prayed it.
Children below
Fresh from the foe
Songs of the angels
Healing the broken ones
Make us one
Make us a rainbow
Lord please make us one
As prayer went into intercession for revival this song rang with greater resonance. The word "rainbow" came to take on significance as the people gathered in prayer literally came in all ages, sizes and colours. Then again a request for an outpouring from His spirit--and I actually felt a gust of wind pass behind me from my left to my right. I felt my hair being blown. And I felt a presence come close to me. So close that it was like having my back against a warm cloud. It stuck with me, and seemed to move with me. An image of me dancing for God with this being holding out my arms as though I were impaled upon it (or vice versa) and moved as it moved came to mind, and it was beautiful, because I have never seen myself like this, with the ability to dance. It seemed to block out the air-conditioner that was blowing its cold wisps of air down my neck. I didn't know what to make of it, but I wasn't afraid. Holy Spirit, is that You? Please don't go, stay, whatever you are. I want to know what you are, you aren't fear-inspiring like the rest. You are warm, gentle and when you are here I can feel God working in my heart, exposing my sin, and the need for holiness, making me sensitive to You. If that's You, Holy Spirit, please stay, come in, I want to know You. Lord, please make us, You and I, one.
When prayer meeting ended I wanted to worship more. The song's still in my heart. I am going to pray.
| e.s.t.h.e.r in the arms of Jesus @
1/13/2006 11:52:00 pm |
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