Catching up with me again
Dear Jesus,
it's been some time since I've come to meet you here. My heart misses You in a way I cannot describe, but I want to thank You for how You are still refining me, molding me for Your purpose.
Jesus, lately I've been thinking about loving You. I want to love You more. Why don't I? I was wondering if it was because lately I've been selfish. I have spent a month disengaging myself from ministry, I have wanted to see You, because I was tired of pouring myself out. Jesus I haven't leaned on You enough, Jesus, I need You more. Jesus I don't want to pretend to have anything to give, when I don't. Are You calling me to ministry? Help me to say no to the endless queue of people I need to give myself to.
Jesus thank you for the encouragement you have sent in the past month. Between Simone, Meiyi, friends from crusade, Jarett and Daryl, I thank you for the highs and lows, the love and fellowship.
I was just reading my blog. I know I need to write, but I don't know what I have to say besides a small thanksgiving I really want to remember, which is above.
Other lately recurring thoughts:
-The past no longer bothers me--I no longer yearn to revisit my old home.
-Uncertainty--Why do I keep a log of my life? Why have I lately lost a motivation to? Perhaps it is because I don't know what I'm growing into, I don't know what excites me anymore, and that is dangerous. What kind of a future am I walking into? How will I shine for Him in the civil service? I feel dead, like life is no longer an adventure with God, and I know it should be one. I bumped into Desmond and the crusade bunch last week while having supper with Jarett near hall. It was so good to see them again. One of my dearest friends is like Desmond, a staff with Campus Crusade, and I know their lives are full of uncertainty, but because of this every step they make is an opportunity for the expression of faith, because of the constant awareness of their need to depend on you. Jesus, will I forget You when I start having a stable income? Lord, will you still be my God? God please challenge my securities, that I may be mindful each day of the need for you. Give me such opportunities for the expression of faith, and challenge me to take faith steps. I still want to serve you like that in the civil service. Don't ever let me get comfortable and grow sleepy. I don't want to be a pew warmer.
-About blogging--I guess I am only starting to learn to feel completely at ease up here. I have asked myself why I write. I write because I want to remember things that my brain will erase. My memories grow dim, they literally lose their colour in recollection, and I want to preserve them best as I can. So what I say here needs to contain enough to stimulate an ever-dying imagination to reconstruct as vividly as it can the greying memories. But I have struggled because for every moment of life that passes in the humbling wonder and awe that comes from being sensitive to Him (or not), I can only acquiesce their existence with fleeting thought. The more life is lived this way, the less I am able to write it all down. So I have learned that my life again must read like a book to those who know me, and that I can never depend on a journal to bear witness for me. Still I hope that those who read the fraction of my days on earth represented here, will be blessed and encouraged. I have not written a long time, because I lost all motivation, thinking about my inability to do justice to what He brings me through each moment I spend with Him. But even if I cannot capture it all, I will capture what I can.
| e.s.t.h.e.r in the arms of Jesus @
3/21/2006 03:56:00 pm |
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