Ceaseless, Restless Rambling

It's been good to have a quiet morning of respite to myself. There is impending work to be done--2 essays to be exact--and they loom over me rather like skulking, dark storm clouds. However, being clouds, they remain at a distance from me and my heart still lies in a hazy, comfortable dream, and it is eager for some sharpening of its sensitivities, and for the day's refreshment at my Father's feet.

This morning upon waking my mind turned again to the following questions:

So what was the fundamental difference between me (when I move in the Spirit) and the gnostics? They too claimed to have an intimate, intuitive knowledge of God. Then there's those who adhere only to what's present in text and are skeptics of everything else. But surely God speaks without always having spelt his message in black and white in text? For He promises to guide and lead us, and calls us into one purpose, but uniquely designed destinies.

I think what this means is that I need to keep working hard to check that what is experienced (imagination or otherwise) is not only biblical, but also that I clearly know God's purpose for showing me this or that, and that purpose must not be in contradiction with His character. But is this good enough?

What is the foundation of my faith? I know the Word that I stand and live by, the God that it describes, has stood the test of time and experience. My God is a living God who fulfils what He has said He would do in His Word. I have experientially beheld moments of intense intimacy with my Saviour, especially at points in my life where I cannot deny that it was Him, revealing His purpose in my life. There is no intellectual or experiential argument I may use to deny His existence, His deep love and interest in me. And yet in these past months I have been living in spiritual poverty. Not because my God is not good enough to give, but because I am tired and afraid to trust. In this time of discouragement and purposelessness, where has all my faith gone?

What did God mean when He said to bear one another's burdens? How can it be that a friend who gives all to share truly and deeply, displeases Him? Why don't others who say they know Him love like that? Charles, if this is the Jesus you preach, then I'm not in love with Him anymore. The Jesus I knew gave all He had to those who hungered for Him. He shared His very person and presence, He shared all that had been given Him from the Father.

What is the point of working hard to spend time in Him and grow in Him, when one so easily reverts back to fallen human nature? It is scary to think that your fallen human nature can catch you offguard just like that and make u slip into his skin before you even know it. Worse still, when one does so insisting it is done in the name of Christ.

Apologies for the lack of organisation. I am writing this more for myself than for blog readers. I need to work out what I need to pray over and what exactly is going on in my dismal spiritual life.