Such a Baby
I am such a big baby. It is four years hence from first understanding what it means to be humbled by Him, and still I seem to keep forgetting my lessons. With the last days of my varsity life but 2 weeks away, I can barely bring myself to sit still and study. I have tried every means of discipline, but it is the heart that has not changed, and so all external reinforcements to my will have proven useless. My heart resists being dragged back upon the racks of thought--it just wants to rest and dissolve into oblivion. My mind has frozen over and it is just numb and sludge like. I am bored and no longer see much else to do about the coming exams, besides mug, think, respond. I don't want to be asked to respond again. I don't want to engage with the world. I have grown bored and listless because an academic challenge is no longer exciting--I felt like I'd been there, done that, had enough. It wasn't like grades mattered in heaven anyway.
Today's scripture reading on 2nd Chronicles (up till verse 23) was a reminder that God has been intimately invovled with the success of my past, and immediately the world of academia for me regains some of the colour it has lost. It is a humbling reminder that my academic success (always relative, of course) actually has had very little to do with me, and all with the grace of God. That at every turn He has used those "trials" to draw myself closer to Him, to learn to trust Him and give Him my time for heavy ministry commitments. Seriously, those As on my results slips aren't of my doing. I simply studied best as I could, trusting Him for the outcome, and He led me to the right questions, gave me unconventional thoughts that I put down as answers, and led me to absorb the right reading material. So Esther, whatever accolades you may have on your little wall, however little, and however it may fade and mellow with the apparent irrelevance of past glory, don't trivialise it to the point where you forget your God--they are milestones of your Father's faithfulness. Those were the times you couldn't help but know He walked with you.
There is a need to steward all I have for Him again. In my complacency and pride I have forgotten His role in the blessings I have grown so comfortable in. Father, I am giving you my exams. Let them mean to me, only what they mean to You. Humble me, show me who You are again, and let me do this for You. I want to worship You.
| e.s.t.h.e.r in the arms of Jesus @
4/25/2006 03:52:00 am |
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