Changes
I've noticed a difference between the posts I've been making since late June (upon return from the UK) and those made before. (I was looking out for how I've been growing this past year, and the things God's led me through.) I prefer those written before I left for the UK.
There are a few differences I've noticed:
Why?
Is it a faith and focus issue? Have I come to expect Him to work in ways that are less tangible? (to both my irritation and others'?)
A physical issue? My mind feels clouded most of the time by a kind of fatigue--my head feels heavy and stuffy, my eyes would close and I'd sink into oblivion if I could. Pushing myself back to former levels of mental sensitivity, alertness and perception gives me a physical headache--the kind that amounts to a migraine if I persist for hours. I can feel my brain dying from a lack of its kickstarting its engines. I have the memory of a goldfish--its getting harder to hold thoughts longer than 10 seconds. I'm generally lethargic. In that state I cannot watch and pray. I look out but there's a haze that comes right up to my eyes. I cannot see, and my heart wants to sleep for eternity. The worst is that physical sleep is not restful--it does not recharge me.
An attitude issue? Why does the heart want to sleep for eternity?
A purpose issue? Because my wonderful little brother is growing up, and almost no longer needs me? (Is that true God?) Hence less of a felt need to watch with a sharp eye?
A commitment issue? Like how I have no qualms about wondering aloud like this online, but want to sleep forever more than seeking You seriously about these questions?
A trust issue? I'm becoming aware of a desire to avoid people. I just want to go straight home and hide in my room after work, under the covers.
PSTD? the short, blank memory (like a tv on static), the avoidance of people, the lack of concentration....
God what purpose are you calling me to?
For what, am I making what kind of stand for?
God what are you hoping I'll have the faith to expect from You?
I need to come back to You before knowing how to walk on, or lead others on.
God, wake me up,
I feel like I've died.
| e.s.t.h.e.r in the arms of Jesus @
9/05/2006 11:13:00 am |
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