The Heart of Darkness
Dear friends,
this morning in prayer I was again brought to the heart of darkness, journeying along with Jesus in the days leading up to his crucifixion, so drawn into what must have been running through His heart and mind that I read mark 14 from beginning to end.
That He not just accepted, but welcomed a weeping broken woman's extravagant worship with a jar of perfume, saying it is something "beautiful" and unique. That He welcomed our worship, however fumbling and poor it may be.
I watched the last supper, saw the anxious faces of the disciples when a shadow is cast over their enjoyment as Jesus announces that one of them will betray him (v 18). I saw how each one of them was forced into anxious self-examination, as they faced the possibility that any of them could be the traitor. Jesus only left them with the certainty that it will be one of this most intimate circle who will be a key player in the tragedy to come (v 20). I found myself peering into the chasm--as we gaze into the gloom, our guilt rises to greet us. The incident reveals to us our potential for failing and betraying Jesus in our own lives. We face the facts--It rips away our illusion that we are good Christians. However, Jesus's institution of the sacrament of the Lord's Supper reveals to us God’s provision for our betrayal: the atoning death of Christ (vs 22-24). Jesus gives himself to us, whatever our condition. His broken body brings healing to our broken lives. His words point also to the final restoration of all things, us included, when Jesus himself will personally eat with us again at his return (see v 25). Even as he faces the horror of the cross, this is a time for hymns (v 26) -- perhaps worship is the only right response before the cross?
I thought about how Jesus said his disciples would all fall away (v 27). But he promised them that after his death, he would rise again and meet them (v 28). Peter declares that he certainly won't deny Jesus. The tragedy is that we know the story; that despite his protestations Peter will indeed disown Christ (see vs 66-72). How would I respond if I were persecuted for my faith? How would you respond? Could you disown Jesus? What would help you to be faithful?
When Jesus went to Gethsemane to pray, I wanted to join Him and hold Him in His loneliness, and ask Him not to leave. He brought along his most intimate friends (vs 32-34). He asked them to pray with him. He opened up, admitting his vulnerability, even his "sorrow to the point of death". Despite this they still didn’t respond. In his humanity, and all alone, Jesus turned to face the ordeal before him. He did not shirk in his faithfulness to God’s will, (v 36) even though he knew it meant embracing abandonment by his Father in order to carry the world's sins into the darkness of death. Imagine the pain in his heart--God, the one who was only ever good to you, whom you loved deeply, now struck a knife in you. Not without purpose however, and because of that you were willing.
I watched as Jesus was taken before the Jewish ruling council for trial. I was there with him as He was confronted by a raging crowd, bringing trumped-up charges that contradicted one another (vs 53-59) against him. Things had the bleak, evil flavour of a nightmare I once had. But my saviour is only silent (v 61) and meek. He was ever Himself to the very end, always loving and gentle, always good to us. How his words must have burned in the hearts of accusers! When he spoke it was only to pour oil on fire. His words were plain: he is the Messiah and comes from God with a heavenly agenda (vs 61,62).
The high priest, enraged senseless, reacted accusing Jesus of blasphemy (v 64), falling into a trap that many religious leaders fall into. As guardians of the truth, they see it as their duty to be upholders of rigid orthodoxy. But Jesus stood out as a challenge to a religious mindset. He was Lord, and above every sacred structure that humans build around the truth and eventually bury it in.
So I thought about Jesus, and who He was. I thought about how in the short span of 2 days, He knew the bottomless evil residing in man's heart, and persisted in loving them with his very life. I thought about how He remained true to the very end, to His identity, His love for the Father, and His love for us. I thought about how He was above everything, and therefore how my life, completely bought by Him, is now to be completely at His disposal. I thought about how I should live a life consecrated to Him, for He deserved nothing less. I thought about what it meant to be willing to endure hardship for Him, which He desires only so that I could know His abundant love, and that He was enough for me, above even everything I might ever face. I am humbled by His love, amazed by his unending goodness. At this point I feel as though I am before my awesome God, whose goodness and love I cannot fathom the depths of, and all I can do is sink to my knees and give Him my imperfect heart.
I prayed again over my life. I prayed hard that I should not allow my securities to be found in my job, or that doing well at work should become my top priority. I prayed that I would not lose sight of Him, and that He'd continue to prepare me for ministry, esp towards long term missions.
This morning God spoke something slightly startling.
"Esther, I'm going to take you through a 40-day period in the wilderness."
This desert was the desert Jesus wandered in, before He officially started ministry. It carried the sense that I shall know testing. But I also knew, when He said it, by the way He said it, that He had every intention of being with me through it all. That I should know Him better, know more deeply how much I am loved.
So please keep me in prayer. I want to do all things for Christ, I ask that I should become like Him, that He is glorified through the change in me--for no man can change the evil desires of his own heart, it is possible only through Christ. I thank God that again I'm going to have my heart searched--it's good because I'm always full of joy after my heart's cleaned out and aligned to His. I pray that in this period, once again everything I have ever desired to hold to myself, I shall be taught to lay down at his feet. Neither the wealth of the world, nor the security of food and clothing. I pray that I shall be made ready to abandon it all, for the sake of his call. And even in this, I shall not boast that it is out of anything good in me that I choose as such. It is not difficult to choose, because my Saviour's call is sweet, and His road is more sure than anything I can ever provide myself with. =)
| e.s.t.h.e.r in the arms of Jesus @
10/12/2006 10:56:00 am |
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