How I've Been
God said "Give me your time". and after I took 3 whole months to get that in place, He said "now give me your attention". i kind of hate it that working life just puts my head and heart into different modes, and that each time I try to spend time with Him, I don't realise how much the values from work and social life are drowning out the precious assurances and values I have in Him. I am distracted by what my boss thinks of me (i get the idea she thinks i'm very lost). I start getting distracted by how to pay off a house in time to go for missions in 5 years if possible. I am distracted with wanting to know the plan for this huge thing called marriage--finances, relatives preferences in a wedding, wondering if I've got the basics in preparing for a marriage down pat, and I worry over communication with Jarett. My thoughts through the day are no longer led by or thought in worship, i have become simply reactionary to pressures of living independently. Its almost as though learning to be financially independent and being the self-determined direction setter of my work has spilled over into my spiritual life as spiritual independence as well. Like deciding to meet God when I can wake up, have energy, and feel like it--not as and when He leads. Like thinking I can get by with talking to Him on the train daily, when He really wants me to make time and a physical location where I can be still and hear Him. And I struggle with making the values I live by consistent through the day.
I think its a matter of adjusting to working life and learning how to continue leaning on His strength when everything happens fast and furious. But I'm afraid cowardice has only made me wonder what will my colleagues think, when they all look so stressed and busy, while I look so paced and relaxed? I feel almost guilty for being so at peace, as I was when I first started. If I feel so relaxed will I work slower? Will I get less done? What if I don't do enough? What is enough? What does my boss want? I want to think and meditate and do all things in worship, (i.e. while delighting in Him), even in the office, but sometimes i get so task absorbed in work and driving it, that the portion of His grace i receive each morning goes out the window, and I become my own wearisome taskmaster. I stop and wonder where all my delight in Him has gone sometimes, but by then I've already let go of His leading, and struggle to retrace the steps of my straying trajectory, run home to Him and put my hand (and heart) in His again. My work requires me to set my own goals and tasks, and make total changes in scope and direction often, depending on how volatile a current affairs situation is. Often I have to make snap decisions on what direction to take, or throw out a month's work because because of circumstances, there are research agendas with a higher priority. I don't even know how to find time to pray and submit these decision making processes to Him. I have a good sense the only way I'll be able to do that, is to seek Him and be filled each morning, and never let that mindfulness of Him leave me. It's hard but I know I have to find a way to do that. I know I cannot honestly say I'm living wholly for Him if there are these working hours of my life that aren't submitted, led by Him or guided by His grace.
Yup so that's me for the past 2 weeks or so.
| e.s.t.h.e.r in the arms of Jesus @
3/08/2007 09:30:00 am |
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