Parting Words

My time with my primers in the 12th is coming to an end. The last few days have been difficult. Some primers deal with it by trying not to think about it, focusing all energies on work hoping it will push one to excellence instead. I struggled a little with the thought that you guys will never be around in quite the same way again. I struggled also with some measure of grief knowing who i'll be losing, for you people are much loved. To some extentI feel a like the dog (See last post). My key sentiments are devotion, and grief, yes, lots of grief.

Because I've already lost one too many a brother. I thought of my journey through the 12th. My fitting in took a little longer than anticipated. For a time I was somebody's best friend to a handful of individuals. To some there was nothing I would have withheld, for their edification. But each of these relationships reach their terminus when dearly loved brothers (officers/primers) feel they must inevitably drop you and move on, when personalities change, when other priorities in life consume them, when decisions are made.

People call me up and sigh "That's the way it is, that's how it works. People come and go. People enter and leave. Deal with it"

But I wonder if this is true. I wonder why if attachments are so natural, and loving pureheartedly is good, why people determine its consequence must always be an unhappy one. I wonder why letting go can't be any easier. I wonder whether letting go should be easier. I wonder whether there's something the 12th has not quite done/approached in God's way yet.

Because my friendships with others outside the 12th are not like that. Simone and Mei for example--we've graduated and gone to different jobs, but we still mutually love each other deeply, and when we meet up its like nothing ever changed. We still call whenever we want to. We grow on in each other's lives. I know enought to say friendships founded in Christ never end. For me this means no matter how circumstances change, one's devotion, tenderness, and desire to bless a friend never fades. It is this unchanging sentiment that fuels attempts to keep in touch, that brings joy and mutual satisfaction in meet-ups. That sentiment is founded on unchanging conviction that a friend loveth at all times. The friend who does this never says goodbyes--he knows a meeting will be just round the corner. He knows he can pick up the phone anytime and expect to find that familiar old voice that's simply happy he called. He knows he can expect to share anything he wanted, no matter joy, grief, security, anxiety, triumph, defeat, up-days and down-days.

I think that's how friends are called to love.

So then the problem probably lies not in the parting, but in accepting that partings must be done in cold blood if they are to hurt less. It also probably lies in one's casual acceptance of ceasing to expect to be a friend, after such and such a date/time. I don't think God meant for us to make a friend today, and move on later, to our convenience. Christ was a friend, who never said goodbye, though his disciples never saw him after he left. He was always with them. In every waking moment, they knew His heart and felt His acceptance and love. They knew the relationship still went on even after He was gone. I think that's how God calls us to love as friends.

So guys, I'm not done yet. I'm not saying goodbye, because the story's not over. To those of you who've had to accept that view of painful partings as a reality of life, I say give yourself and your brother a chance. The days to come may not be the same as the days you've had before. But there isn't much of a point re-living the past especially when there's so much more to look forward to in growing together! You decide. =)

In Him,

Esther