Discouraged Jarett
Today I learned that Jarett's frequent complaining to me about how tired he is, how much he's got to do, etc, is his way of saying "I love you, and I want to talk to you".
It's never occured to me that way, and I am afraid I have always reacted rather badly in bewilderment when he does that, thinking "quality time" is our one chance to enjoy each others' company, and that we should spend time appreciating each other and praying together for each other, instead of whining. He'll complain nobody helps him, but I'll volunteer myself and he'll say I can't help. Which frustrates me to death since I have yearned to grow into being his helpmate all these years. He also always complains he's tired. I just wish I had some way of knowing that it pleased Him to see me though. Most times because he's so sag-faced, I've felt like a drag around him, unwanted no matter what I do, including becoming almost invisible.
Jarett has never been one to go over the top when it comes to expressing himself. He rarely volunteers "I love you", and 5 years into our relationship he's organised about 3 dates. He doesn't enjoy dressing up for any occassion, even his wedding, and doesn't know what to do with himself when I call and say "I just called to talk to you." He's used to conversations driven by tasks to be achieved, and rarely says more once he's got someone taking action on the job. I'm the one who will want to pamper him with a nice meal at beaches, treat him to his fav open-massage at Relax room, learn to cook for him, appreciate him, dress up for him etc etc etc. I'd want to be a prayerful partner, looking out for him in prayer. I'd want to revel in conversations about the latest changes God was making in me and him, glorying in God's grace and goodness to us. I'd want to spend time with God together. I think all these things are important in maintaining our vulnerability to love, and our teachability before God.
But then I realise my motivations beneath these very complaints are small-hearted and self centred. Its not that the idealisations are wrong, its just that after prayer, I think God is showing me that loving him is more important than having these picture-perfect practices in place. And also, if these ideals are the right things to work towards, I'm not going to get very far complaining he needs to do more. And while its true that people who agree to work on communication conventionally don't start with complaining, it devastated me to learn my reactions to his whining discouraged him to the point where he didn't know what to do about trying to communicate anymore. I was so pained at the thought I spent a full hour repenting in tears before God. Cos that's not how God's taught me lessons. God's showing me that gentle encouragement and a capacity to accept a person wholly, personality differences, weaknesses and all, go a much longer way. All I want is for Jarett to feel safe in conversation with me, to want to communicate whatever's happening in his life at all, so that I can keep blessing him in reaction. Which ironically means, if i want to see change, I have to stop wanting change first, and concentrate on showing love instead, so God can do His work at His pace.
So yes, I need to be humble enough to tweak my brain a little and learn to hear whining as subtle "I love you"s and "I want to spend time with you"s. And I'm deeply sorry I ever discouraged him. I do ask Your forgiveness Father. Please teach me, and grow me into the blessing you want me to be to him.
| e.s.t.h.e.r in the arms of Jesus @
2/17/2007 07:20:00 pm |
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